Signs that you might want to rethink your dress sense

Holy shit, I’m still laughing my head off… OK, so I just walked out of the corner store with a can of pop after having yet another delightful conversation with the delightfully harmless and distracting religiously insane cult guy who owns it (since he doesn’t belong to one of the majors, what large-scale harm can he possibly be?) and walked out, still chuckling over the delightfully mad nuggets of self-help advice he had been trying to wedge down my throat between quips, admittedly not paying nearly enough attention to where I was going, and some woman who seemed in the end to be at least as unhinged as I am, poor thing, nearly backed her car over me while trying to park. I leapt out of the way, and one of a bunch of kids who were on their way into the store screamed at the woman: “LADY, YOU JUST ABOUT RAN OVER THE PROSTITUTE!”

Imagine how flummoxed this woman must have felt as she was trying, in horror, to apologize to me for almost killing me, as I was laughing uncontrollably and trying to communicate to the kid (while the other kids were yelling at said kid for being rude) what a budding comedian I thought she was. Fuck, I really thought this coat looked neat… but maybe I should stop wearing it with miniskirts. Prior to this incident, I was mentally composing a goofy post about how aristocratic I think I am, but that would just make me look ridiculous now… fuck, exactly what is it about a pair of a-few-years-old Dansko sandals set against a coat with a vaguely Marilyn-Monroe-y fake-fur collar that screams ‘hooker’ to somebody who doesn’t even look like she needs tampons yet?!??! I’m afraid to dress myself now. I need to call my more-sartorially-clever sister every time I plan to leave the house, I guess… hee hee hee gotta admit I’m half tempted to go back out again without changing a stitch, but the reason I was headed home early from my random pointless walk in the first place is that I was cold and wanted to add a sweater or four, since the thought of having to put on foldy bendy entrappy jeans at this time of year makes me want to jump out the window… huh, maybe I should also stop aimlessly wandering around the streets when I can’t think of anything better to do. ‘Street walking’ in the classic sense… this is what happens when you let a Wisconsin girl who is amused by dressing too loudly move to Uptown, I guess. Punk rock must have fallen out of fashion again. Oh well, all we have to do is wait for Lisa Falour to go viral and then I’ll look perfectly normal.

PS why is it that seriously hating a lot of fabric hanging around your legs must necessarily translate as ‘whore’? If it weren’t for the sex thing and we kept it to antiquities, I would have made a great Victorian. But you people must think against sex all the time, mustn’t you?

Comments

  1. Post
    Author
    Ann Sterzinger

    I hope Lisa doesn't take that the wrong way… she is currently on my mind every other second, as she is handling a terrible situation with a painfully great sense of humor, so if I mentioned punk rock I was just going to have to work a her joke in there.

  2. Frank Marcopolos

    Maybe you just had a whore-ish look on your face, and it didn't have anything to do with your wardrobe. Still, I'd like to review some photographic evidence, so I can properly weigh in with an opinion.

  3. bronstein72

    Victorians?
    Against sex?
    Does Wuthering Heights count?
    I tried to woo someone with a line from that book, and all I had to show for it was an e-mail from some "competing suitor" telling me to get a job!
    I bet that guy never HEARD of Zelda FITZGERALD.

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