Oh joy, now it turns out that an oil slick on top of the Gulf of Mexico would have been a minor cosmetic blemish compared to the new development: we’re starting to get oil ‘plumes,’ they say, columns of oil droplets that are dispersing through the water below the surface, like colossal goopy octopi poised to strangle the oxygen out of the web of life.
Woops! Our bad! Sorry, other animals! Before we can figure out the real extent of the damage this spill will ultimately do to the world’s largest and most mysterious ecosystem, we’ll probably be extinct. Maybe we can make up one last advertising slogan for ourselves before we go. HUMANS: WE’RE LIKE AIDS FOR THE EARTH!
You’d better eat all the oysters you can while there’s still time, kids. Eat ’em like popcorn while Obama (I tried to figure out what the hell logic leads the peanut gallery to surmise that this is his fault, but then I thought, oh well, a scapegoat’s a scapegoat) and Tony Heyward are forced into a cage match. The last of the circenses!
But seriously, folks, I was talking to a millionaire at a bar the other day. The guy’s an engineer, doesn’t have a care in the world financially, he’s about to pay off the mortgage on his condo… which he has stocked with three weeks’ worth of rice, beans, bottled water, and canned food, because, while he hopes he never has to use them, he thinks it’s fairly likely that the shit will hit the fan sooner than later, and he wants to be the guy who survives the critical period. Everybody laughs at me, he says… all my coworkers laugh at my Aldi’s-shoppin’ lifestyle and giggle at my pantry… but who knows whether a day will come when a million dollars in the bank won’t get you a dried split pea?
Tell it to Louisiana, buddy. Tell it to Louisiana. Maybe it’s just me (well, probably), but even up here in Chicago there’s a sort of panic in the air.
PS UPDATE RE: OBAMA ADMINISTRATION AND BIG OIL
If you can believe the Rolling Stone’s political reporting (and pardon my ig, which is vast, but I don’t see much more reason to distrust them than, say, Fox News), the Obama administration hasn’t done all that much to clean up the corrupt relationship between oil companies and their would-be gummint regulators. Ah ha. Well then, cage match it is. But since Obama has at least publicaly admitted his guilt, he gets to keep his underwear on, and Heyward has to fight with tackle flapping. Then again, maybe nobody wants to see that…