Oh, boy, more shitty fucking weather

I know, I know. The Earth is not a sentient being, and it is CRAYYYZEEEEE for me to think it in any way has it in for me. I’m trying not to take it personally that it’s thirty FUCKING degrees out in what is now the second half of April, but the closest I can come is the slightly less paranoid delusion that the planet hates not me specifically, but all of us. You, me, squirrels, cows, cats, dogs… the planet fucking hates us all. Who knows? Maybe when we walk around, we tickle. Why else would EVERY FUCKING CLIMATE BE SHITTY?

I know, I know, mine is a temperament that is extremely averse to cold. I’m generally not warm enough until everyone else is sweating their ass off. Move to Florida, Ann, and you’ll suddenly be a sunshiney sweetheart with a perfect personality. Oh yeah? How cheery do you suppose I’ll be after my house gets mowed down by a hurricane and an alligator eats my ass off?

Well, if I don’t like cold and I don’t like hurricanes, I can always move to Africa… and die in a drought! Or catch some horrible disease from a mosquito, hurrah! The only good thing about cold climates is that the bugs’ reproductive cycles are at least given some pause by the yearly freeze. Move to someplace that’s comfortable year-round for me, and chances are it’s equally comfy for disease-ridden bloodsuckers who will kill me just to get a snack.

Unless, of course, you’re talking about a desert. Yeah, that’s fun. I want to spend half my life worrying about water, yeah! There are parts of the Middle East where you can get hit with a sandstorm and a snowstorm on the same fucking day. How that region wound up with so many theocracies is a mystery I’m not even sure I want to solve.

Once again, the only way I can believe in a deity in a world like this is to believe in one with a shitty, nasty sense of humor. Oh, look, the little Chicago monkey is trapped in a cold dark apartment suffering SAD and cabin fever because every time she goes outside she can feel her bones freezing. Comedy gold! Oh, how funny, look at that African baby, his lips parched with thirst, while elsewhere people lose their homes in a flood. HILARIOUS! THE IRONY! OMFUG THIS SHIT IS SO HYSTERICAL IT’S WORTH ALL THE SUFFERING! BRING IT!

Fuck you, god, and fuck you, mother earth. What kind of mother gives you fucking frostbite and malaria? If Gaia were in a court of law she’d be up for billions upon billions of charges of child abuse, from a mild chill to beating Japan silly with a tsunami. I know, I’m lucky to have access to clean drinking water… but what I wouldn’t give right now to be able to stroll down the street without feeling like the very planet is sticking knives into my skin. When the very air around you is attacking you without mercy, how can you seriously believe in any kind of benevolent deity?

Do Christians just not feel the cold, the way some people aren’t ticklish? Or maybe they love the abuse. “Thank you God, thank you Gaia, for teaching me this valuable lesson in…” HORSESHIT! HORSESHIT HORSESHIT HORSESHIT! I’m going to huddle under the covers and cry some more now. God damn it, the wind is just screaming outside, but my heat isn’t even on, because why would it still be on when this kind of weather in April is just a shitty unfunny joke?

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