I’ve often said that if I were a man or a feminist I would be able to buy my own island by now. (So why don’t I become a feminist? Because I’ve gone this far without you animals turning me into a liar; why switch horses midstream? Also, feminism is the opposite of good for women like myself; more in a future post.) But if my plan for Mexico goes off as planned, I won’t need to buy jack shit.
Here’s how I’m going to get my own kingdom: by fixing the whole Rio Grande situation.
So fine, open the fucking borders if you want your open borders. Evvvvverybody into Amurrica! Let everyone stream mindlessly in, get on welfare, start breeding like rats. Candy candy candy! Free chocolate bars, puppies, health care, apartments, gelato, opium, whatever the fuck their hearts desire!
Then, when Mexico is completely empty, I STRIKE: I scamper down, seize the abandoned land, and finally build that wall. I’ll seal myself in all alone while you’re all distracted shooting at each other over the last Snickers.
You’re all locked up in the frozen tundra together, whilst tropical paradise is mine and mine alone.
You want some of my tequila? Hell no. I enjoy excellent physical endurance, and now that I own my own country, I’ve got plenty of time. I’ll just plant a bunch of fruit trees and swing from machine gun nest to machine gun nest, blowing apart any damn monkey that tries to get in.
Now that’s the life.
So yeah, open borders now. Free hookers. Pony rides. And that is not the cackling Goth streaking back across the border that you’re looking for, dipsticks.
I must confess… there are one or two flaws in this brilliant plan. For instance, when am I going to sleep? Who’s going to Ann the machine gun nests while I get my nap? I can’t have you fuckers sneaking into my kingdom while I’m hallucinating from sleep deprivation.
And what if I… what if I get bored of only talking to Chihuahuas and the tequila worm?
OK, OK, fine; maybe the rest of you ‘Ricains can come with me. After all, I’ve noticed that a lot of other Americans don’t like the weather here either. Notice how many American people vacation in South and Central America in the winter?
Hm… we don’t like our snowstorms and hurricanes; they don’t like their tropical paradise. We want more beaches; they want to move into North America without learning a new language, adjusting to another culture, or even having to tolerate the way other people play soccer.
So this is a perfect, win-win plan for everybody. Hooray! I’m Jesus! Fellow denizens of the Western Hemisphere: let’s trade countries. North America for everyone who wants to get in, South and Central America for everyone who’s already up nort’ dere. I’m a fucking political genius; now elect me queen for life and we can all go have culturally neutral beverages together in Switzerland.