Devil Trump for President! (If You Really Must)

So, now Trump is telling the Russians to come git us, and Clinton is accidentally helping them because she doesn’t know how email works. I keep vacillating between thinking one candidate for US president is more ridiculously unfit for the office than the other, and wishing the asteroid would hurry the fuck up, because this shit ain’t that funny anymore.

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At this point it looks like I’m still voting for myself as usual, but as the great whirling mechanisms of the old media and the new media battle afresh each dawning news cycle, I have pieced together a few of my own thoughts down here in the People Who Don’t Matter Bunker ™, and I have come to the conclusion that while I will still personally vote for myself, I think that, as a matter of temporary public safety, it’s best if those of you who still care go on and elect (am I actually saying this?) Donald J. “I stayed relevant through a dry spell by being on reality TV, my rich dad didn’t pay enough attention to me” fucking Trump.

Here’s the short explanation: Our propaganda about what a great democracy we are is killing us, and electing Trump might win us a few months of safety. And that’s the best we can hope for out of this shitstorm.

Here’s the tl;dr version for those of you who aren’t fully ADHD yet:

While both of these people are bad people who will probably do bad things, at least Trump is too clueless to get most of his bad stuff done. Hitler managed to do what he did because he didn’t have a golf problem.

But whatever; this is why we have checks and balances, so we can contain our little Hitlers. The real reason to gingerly pick up this piece of pop-cultural punch line and place it in the “Well, it looks like the lesser of two evils” bin has nothing to do with the way Trump habitually breaks deals and rips people off, his ability to be totally incoherent while still using under 50 vocabulary words per day, or which candidate all of us armchair psychologists have diagnosed as the more narcissistic sociopath.

The real reason to vote against Clinton is because a lot of radical Islamists seem to have bought into our propaganda about what a great democracy we are.

Think about it: we’ve been shoving this democracy shit relentlessly down their throats for some of your entire lifespans by now. It never ends! “You need democracy, it means everyone gets a say, it means the government will be the voice of the people; now open up and swallow this nice, hot, democratic lead slug!” We’ve basically insisted that they blame each of us individually for them getting bombed to kingdom come. We’ve repeatedly screamed at them that our government reflects the will of our people, damn it! Come get it!

And what has that government been up to? Fifteen years of bombing Muslim countries, that’s what.

And we’re about to elect a member of the same establishment as president. The US president is, for better or worse, a figurehead. And yeah, Trump is an embarrassing figurehead, but at least he hasn’t already been a key player in that dumpster fire.

Those of you who blame US imperialism for Islamist terrorism, and yet still support the disturbingly enthusiastic author of much of that violent imperialism (MRDA calls her Killary for a reason) are either engaging in doublethink—or you’re satisfied with the odds that you won’t die, and you care less about the people who will lose their lives than you care about your political team or “making history”—or you honestly haven’t made the connection yet. Well, I apologize for whisking away that excuse.

Granted, Trump could very well be lying his face off about his isolationist stuff. Let’s look at the last guy, Obama, who outright promised he would get us out of all these stupid wars. Well, Obama, as it turned out, was apparently OK with Clinton’s big plans for dealing with Assad. Say what you want about Merkel’s mishandling the migrant crisis, it’s largely our state department’s doing (economic migrants and terrorists who aren’t war refugees are glomming on to the refugee situation, true—but if there were no actual refugee situation, there would be no excuse to glom onto). The same state department that was being run by the woman we may elect president.

What message would this send to Muslim extremists? That’s right: “We’re all totally on board with indiscriminately bombing the shit out of you.”

If we elect Clinton, after electing Bush twice and then electing the guy who gave her the opportunity to fuck up Syria, we pretty much look like we’re continually down on our imperialist knees, begging somebody, anybody, to get revenge against us.

I know, I know: we have all kinds of valid excuses. We didn’t really elect Bush. Obama meant well, or he totally seemed like he meant well. The DNC stole the nomination from Bernie. We have to vote for Clinton because Trump will start a nuclear war whenever his balls get itchy! We totes are NOT down with bombing Muslims, it’s just that our particular form of democracy—you know, the political system that we’re insisting that you get on board with—doesn’t, er, work.

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But remember, these are fairly subtle arguments, especially considering the intended audience: those particular individuals who go full jihad already believe that a dead land pirate speaks the infallible word of God. They’re pretty much listening to voices in their heads. And due to pesky little human brain bugs such as confirmation bias (whoever wrote that piece of code should be fired), I don’t think even most non-crazy people, after seeing their friends and relatives swallow hot death from the sky, would really give us that much leeway for arcane failings of our indirect democracy. If you, my leftist friends, are currently suffering an amygdala hijack as I speak, imagine what a religulous nut job who really wants to have a good afterlife must be going through when he hears evidence that every infidel might not be to blame for the bombs. It’s kind of like what I suffer whenever I hear Dave Eggers being praised. They’re only going to get the overall message of a Clinton presidency: the American imperialist pig-dogs are A-OK with bombing Muslim countries.

I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of the bloody consequences of sending everyone in the world that message. We need a week, just one fucking week, of no more random bloodshed in the West. I’m afraid that guerrilla warfare doesn’t include ceasefires. At least not while we continue to elect politicians who have a track record of bombing Muslim countries. Sure, Trump has said he won’t let all the refugees that Clinton’s war created pour into the country willy-nilly, but at least he’s not the person who made them refugees in the first place. If you think closing the borders is worse than bombing people, I don’t know what to say to you.

‘Course, once Trump starts doing whatever he does, I’m sure they’ll be back to weekly stabbings, shootings, or whatever they come up with next. But at least we could earn a breather. . . Maybe?

(-sigh-)

Yeah, this might be the worst election in American history. Even this argument boils down to a tu quoque, and a fairly weak one at that. But I don’t think anybody can come up with a better argument for either of these bastards.

Comments

  1. MRDA

    “The real reason to vote against Clinton is because a lot of radical Islamists seem to have bought into our propaganda about what a great democracy we are.

    Think about it: we’ve been shoving this democracy shit relentlessly down their throats for some of your entire lifespans by now. It never ends! “You need democracy, it means everyone gets a say, it means the government will be the voice of the people; now open up and swallow this nice, hot, democratic lead slug!” We’ve basically insisted that they blame each of us individually for them getting bombed to kingdom come. We’ve repeatedly screamed at them that our government reflects the will of our people, damn it! Come get it!

    And what has that government been up to? Fifteen years of bombing Muslim countries, that’s what.”

    Once again, I find myself reminded of Colin Patrick Barth’s reflections on 9/11, particularly the parts on collective identity and revenge: it seems to be a trap that almost everyone’s fallen into right now.

    On a lighter note, some comedy (and tragicomedy) to perk up proceedings:

  2. PapayaSF

    I’m not really a Trump fan, but I think he is the most dada/anarchist/punk rock thing to happen to American politics in ages. It’s been a sight to behold. The thought of all the heads that would explode when he’s elected makes me laugh: leftists, conservatives, GOP establishment types, and libertarians (my tribe, more or less). The wailing and pearl-clutching will be epic.

    President Trump also means that the media will be on their toes, searching for any incompetence, Constitutional over-reach, or corruption, as opposed to trying to cover it up as they do with Democratic presidents.

    I also think he would have some value as real pushback to the SJW/PC worldview, and the idiots who think endless Third World immigration is a good thing. Hillary, on the other hand, will continue the last eight years of leftist/SJW empowerment, and bring an estimated million Muslim immigrants in four years. (Just what we need: more foreign religious nuts who hate Jews and gays. But don’t worry: studies show that only scores of thousands of them will be terror sympathizers! OK, maybe hundreds of thousands. But: Diversity!!)

    By the time her Supreme Court picks are done, it will have been discovered that the Communist Manifesto has been hidden inside the Constitution all along, and we just never noticed before.

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