I’m Scrubbing My Skin off Here: My Illegal Soap

So, as though to prove it really is run by badly written comic-book villains, the DEA has decided out of the blue to turn kratom, a cheap mail-order anxiety cure,  into a Schedule One controlled substance as of this Friday.

What does this mean? Well, today, kratom is a cheap, natural tea that makes yoga better (fuck you, I’m not a hippie, I’m gleefully engaging in cultural appropriation). But by this weekend it will be magically transformed into an illicit substance that carries the same aura of danger, taboo, and prison rape as heroin.

bust
OPEN UP! We know you’ve got shampoo in there!

The explanations and justifications are retarded. “Our” government is run by thugs. Tellingly, the reason it’s illegal in Thailand, whence it comes, is because it cuts into the lucrative opium trade (sub in “pharmaceutical trade” and you’ve magically turned Thailand into America). There, now that we’ve got the big issues examined in detail, we can go into the stupid hijinks this has caused around my personal abode.

I am, or rather was, quite a dedicated kratom user for the past two or three years. I discovered it via a Google search when I decided I needed to cut down seriously on my alcohol intake. It not only helped with that, it made it unnecessary for me to seek medication for the underlying anxiety… and ALL available prescription anxiety medications are highly addictive, not to mention the fact that long-term use tends to lead to Alzheimer’s. I’m already fucking senile, thanks, I’ll drink the natural shit. Also, kratom doesn’t make you loopy or out of it; it’s a nice gentle “bing” that actually makes you more productive. It’s more like a mind-clearer than a high, and I’ve never gotten a hangover from it. It replaces  vices with a positive.

So I became a big fan of kratom. All you had to do was mail-order the stuff. I was a regular at several online sellers, and I started getting little freebies in the mail: samples of incense, soap and cosmetics made out of kratom, new strains the company was testing out… and oh yeah, sometimes they would mix rat poison in with the leaf powder (just joking, DEA, you dumb fucks). Far from being the murky underworld the DEA is apparently afraid of, most kratom sellers relied on great customer service and relations. If I screwed up my order and wrote a nice note to the service guys they’d be right on it. Sometimes they’d even quit mixing heroin in if I asked nice (JOKING, assholes). Come to think of it, I feel really bad for all these nice people, who suddenly got their livelihood torn out from under them with four weeks’ notice; did the DEA study the economic impact of their ban, do you suppose? I’m guessing hundreds, if not thousands of jobs will go down the shitter this week.

So, just as I had settled into enjoying my life, the hammer came down. I probably won’t be one of the worst kratom casualties; recovering junkies and people with severe chronic pain who were using it to stay away from opioids will take that crown, and many will die. But I’ll be feeling my share of the pain. So part of me was tempted to ignore the ban and just stockpile the stuff. But I live in a sorta screwed-up neighborhood, and god knows when I’ll have to call the police over to get the bloodied burglar out of my bathtub or whatnot. I decided it would be more prudent to use up what I had in the cupboard… but since I stash stuff that I like as though I were a squirrel, I also needed to tear my house apart to make sure that none of my bags, drawers, or jacket pockets contain the terrifying green powder which in 48 hours will suddenly be worth a ten-year jail sentence.

I had to clean all this weekend. I went through all my winter clothes, I went through all my bags, suitcases, and backpacks. I went through the summer and fall clothes, and pulled out the dresser to find whatever fell back there. I went through shopping bags, cat toys (I tried to sub it for catnip once), and the fridge (there was still some kratom iced tea in there). Kratom is cheap, kratom is useful, and kratom is a totally normal substance, or at least it is for now. The shit was all over my house. But finally, finally, I had gotten rid of it all. I breathed a sigh of relief and went back to my work for a couple of days, safe from the long arm of the law.

Then I remembered, while sitting helplessly on the train like cattle:

THE SOAP.

One of the freebies I’d gotten with a package of kratom was a bar of soap, made out of maybe half an ounce of kratom (with some crack sprinkled in). It’s very good for my skin; as you would expect of a green leaf that’s a relative of coffee, it is packed with antioxidants, whether you apply it internally or externally. (Not as many antioxidants as Percoset or Xanax, though, I’ll bet…) Being kratom, it smelled like shit, but being gritty, it was a good exfoliant. I’m pretty sure my mind made me forget it because I’m really cheap, and I hate throwing away nice stuff. So I ran home and started scrubbing like nuts with it.

Have you ever tried to used up half a bar of soap in a week? I feel like Lady MacBeth. Like Morrissey, I’ve already been stabbed in the back so many times I don’t have any skin, but now I’ve scrubbed most of my front skin off. But I’ll be damned if the DEA is going to make me throw my soap away on top of everything else.

The moronic absurdity level is off the charts: think about it. This stuff is so cheap and normal that distributors STICK IT IN FUCKING SOAP and GIVE THE SOAP AWAY TO CUSTOMERS.  And now I’ll probably have to take Wellbutrin or a steady dose of beer to keep me from punching all the morons who accost me on a daily basis who AREN’T cops. Wouldn’t it be hilarious if I wound up in jail for aggravated assault instead?

Well, Ann, look on the bright side: I guess without assholes, the government, and government assholes, we would run so short of mundane absurdities we might be stuck thinking about bald death all the time. Hooray for comedy.

Comments

  1. Ceara Adler

    I’m not saying that I disagree with any of this – it’s brilliant, by the way! – or that this is indicative of anything, but I have a close friend that actually did sort-of develop an addiction to kratom. Also an alcoholic and taking an SSRI for the anxiety… I guess the “bing” can get addictive, too?

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