Wonder Woman Is Too Fucking Cheerful for a World War One Movie

To my delight, the new Wonder Woman movie was visually stunning, and was not marred by page after page of hackneyed feminist dialogue. Indeed, the girl-power theme was rarely taken beyond the level to which we are already numb. One notable exception to this being when a bunch of Amazons armed with Bronze Age weaponry somehow win a battle against World War One guys. Come on. Bows and arrows couldn’t even cut through 17th-century muskets, much less… whatever. Sure, sure, have it your way; mere dudes with bows and arrows wouldn’t last ten seconds against a WWI-era firearm, but Amazon Power outdoes the laws of physics. At least it was a cool-looking scene.

But Wonder Woman had me crying when it didn’t mean to.

Gorgeous as it is, by the end my jaw was scraping the floor: they actually tried to make a feel-good movie about World War One. They tried and tried, and ultimately only succeeded in making it seem even worse by contrast with the pall of cheer they were trying to cast over it.

Oh, yes, there was some complexity and darkness, as though they felt they had to touch those bases. But in the end, despite being a god, Wonder Woman winds up concluding some stupid shit to the effect that “Humans might be bad… but deep down they’re good!”

Well, I guess trench warfare doesn’t seem like the invention of demons if you’re a goddess and you can just waltz up to a machine gun nest looking cool and hot and impressing everybody.

But that’s what brought a bitter tear to my eye: Yup, the only way to get anywhere in that eternal metaphor of a war would be to be a fucking deity. Congratulations, Wonder Woman. You got to skip trenchfoot.

She plows into a German position to save some quaint European-village women and children, of course, because innocence sells, and none of the good guys die.

Are they fucking kidding?

World War One was one of the worst things that ever happened. There’s a reason Hollywood doesn’t make a lot of movies about it. As Wonder Woman kind of indicates with its desperate casting about for something cheery, there really was no order or lesson to it, except that maybe the gods hate us, and with good reason. It’s arguably to blame for all the shit we’re in now.

There was a little comic relief: they insist on making the Germans already cartoonish monsters, even though the first world war had no clear villain (except for everyone). This was (snort) probably because they figured most of the public can’t tell one World War from the other and would go berserk if they appeared to be not-anti-Nazi. I’m serious, that must be why they made that choice. Jesus Christ, it’s like everything in the world comes with one of those safety helmets for retards now. “Better pad it, otherwise they’ll hurt themselves!”

Some of the people freaking out about the movie’s themes are priceless. You knew the hard-core MGTOWs were going to go nuts before they even showed up on your feed, but I think even they would admit this entire movie is a giant spank bank—and you could have just as easily set your watch by the black feminists showing up to complain about white women growing fangs and sucking their blood out in their sleep.

But in this piece from Essence, Arielle Iniko Newton, a dip who went to college and learned some jargon, really goes the extra mile for hatred: she simultaneously roasts Gal Godot for being born Jewish AND for being born white, in the most unintentionally humorous word salad of the week. (Hating Israelis has become very PC since President Trump started waddling around in a yarmulke.) She is quite correct that white feminists are entitled and intolerable. But so is she. GOD, I hate college kids. I should feel lucky that the Internet wasn’t around when I was a kid. This silly crap is going to follow her around forever. She’ll probably have to double down; she’s already attacking other black female writers over stupid shit in an attempt to expand her turf.

Anyway, Wonder Woman is a visual feast. Just try not to think too hard about what rushing a German machine gun nest (or going up against firearms with a bow and arrow, for that matter) was really like. Or at least wear your waterproof mascara.

 

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