It’s Always Something: LYFE out now! And: Is Amazon Run by Shit-Bears From Hell?

So, after all of this retarded hullaballoo, the first book of the Elektra’s Revenge series, LYFE, came out this Saturday for purchase via Kindle and paperback. With a beautiful cover by Jamie Mason. Whoo fucking hoo, and fuck you to all the slush pile dummies who failed to read the damn thing. There’s a humiliating episode of a French sitcom about movie agents I’d like you to watch, but you probably wouldn’t see yourself in it. I imagine the kind of pampered, oppressed young SJW liberal arts grads who work on the slush pile having this conversation with themselves before the MS to Elektra’s Revenge hit their desk:

“Gee, I hope I get a book with a strong female protagonist this week! That’s what got me into this business! (Besides my dad)”

After my book hit their desk:

“AUGH! TOO STRONG! TOO STRONG! WEAKEN!”

But in all honesty they never probably read it. Everyone knows how cronyism works at this point; I don’t need to insult anyone’s intelligence by belaboring it.

Well, the joke’s on them; any money to be made here will go straight into my smug little own pocket now. And there may in fact be some money. After less than 24 hours the book was in the top 100 for LGBT (kjhdfokjahdfkjh2) sci-fi, and that was before Amazon even approved my Kindle ad…

WHICH IT STILL HASN’T DONE. Because I said a naughty word. TWICE.

I have now tried TWICE to give Amazon $100 so we can help each other make more money marketing my book. You know those ads on your Kindle? Publishers can buy those… but only if they follow a byzantine list of dumb-fuck rules.

My first attempt at placing a Kindle ad got rejected because I used the word PUSSIES in the tag-line. The robot pearl-clutchers at Amazone didn’t like that, so I took it out… And forgot that the ad copy ALSO contained the word HELL, so they rejected that too.

It’s been 48 hours since this damn thing dropped, and I can’t get an ad. You know why? Because Amazon discriminates against people with fucking Tourette’s. Those fuckshit, pig-dicked, faggot-cocking, mouse-queefing, blah blah blah blah…

So here’s the poll question for the day:

Should I concentrate on

A. Running for president in 2020, or

B. Suing Amazon for discrimination against Tourette’s patients?

I have two not-quite-joking crusades to go on now! Should keep me out of trouble.

NOTE: For those who like snickering at corporate verbiage… Here’s the actual text of our exchange and my ad, as posted on my Facebook page:

OK, try two at getting through Amazon’s pearl-clutch-o-bots has resulted in this message:
 
Hello Advertiser,
 
Thank you for submitting your ad campaign “LYFE (Elektra’s Revenge Book 02/03/2018 23:07 (1)” for review. Unfortunately, we are unable to approve this ad as it violates some of our ad policy guidelines. As a result, this campaign will not be served.
 
Some of the possible reasons for rejection of your ad campaign are:
 
– The ad contains vulgar or profane terms that are not appropriate for all audiences.
 
HERE’S THE ACTUAL TEXT I SUBMITTED:
 
LYFE: Elektra’s Revenge, Book One
In the 5th millennium, young Elektra Burgundy is hell-bent on getting revenge on her ex-girlfriend. Will she stumble upon the secret of the Immortals?
 
Are these douchebags worried about the word “hell” now!?!?! I have some CHOICE FUCKING WORDS FOR YOU SISSY COCKSUCKING PIGFUCK MEAT-TARDS so just come and get it, blah blah, etc.
 
So I took out the word “pussy” from the first draft… I guess now I have to get rid of “hell.” Seriously? Hell? You’re afraid of hell? If you’re afraid of hell WHY DID YOU DESTROY THE BOOK MARKET, MOTHERFUCKERS?
 
Well, dear readers, I’ll let you know how it goes. Eventually these shit-demons will take my money.
Fuck a dog.
May a parakeet eat your balls or cooter.
Have a nice fucking night, you fucks.

 

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